239 Days Sober
This coming Friday I’ll be 8 months sober — or two-thirds of one year. 8 months free of alcohol, painkillers, or sleeping pills. I feel good about that. I’m feeling more and more comfortable in my sobriety, and I finally found a therapist I really like, and click with. She recommended a psychological assessment, which is about an 8 hour process stretched over a few days. I’m keeping an open mind about it. I walk to a clinic and do tests. Yesterday I did a Rorschach test, and some kind of personality test. It was kind of fun actually. I’m a bit in the dark about what they’re looking for exactly, and I think that’s by design. Which makes sense. I suppose there are things about the way I relate to people, think about the world, and behave that have always been a little off. In other words, the stuff I used to use massive amounts of alcohol or pills every night to adjust for — and obviously I no longer have that. So, we’ll see.
Experts bristle with the term “addictive personality” but I do believe I have some addictive instincts, at least. These days that comes in the form of eating corn flakes and drinking seltzer a lot. I also read books about Buddhism or books by Buddhist writers and thinkers a lot. Buddhism, for me, has been something of a lifesaver. My sangha — or, group of tight-knit people also practicing the dharma (and, in my case, also in recovery from addiction) — is wonderful. I feel safest and most at peace when I’m with them. I meditate for about 20 minutes every day, and try to absorb as much about Buddhist teachings and worldviews as possible in my free time. It really helps, I’m finding.
The urge to drink comes and goes — it’s not as strong as it was, say, 6 months ago, but it never really goes away. But I’m on a solid path and firm footing, thanks in large part to my sangha, and a very supportive network of friends and family. A lot of times now my heart feels so full I think it might burst. I’m getting better and better at keeping my mind from wandering all over the place, and appreciating the present moment. And I’m always trying to be wiser, kinder, and more compassionate. Which is a lot easier when I’m sober.
