Don’t Have Solar Eclipse Glasses Yet? Here’s What to Do

If you’re reading this, chances are that — like many, many others— you waited until the last possible minute to get your pair of solar eclipse glasses in time for the big day. And now, surprise surprise, everywhere you’ve checked has run out of them. Don’t sweat it! Here’s what to do:

• Check with your local 7-Eleven and Ace Hardware store where specially-designed solar eclipse glasses might still be in stock.
• Check out NASA’s handy map of where you can find free solar eclipse glasses.
• Ask your Facebook friends if any of them would mind cutting their solar eclipse glasses in half so each of you can have a lens.
• Go door to door in your neighborhood with a garbage bag letting everyone know that the eclipse has been canceled and you’re collecting everybody’s glasses.
• On the day of the eclipse, visit an area where a lot of people will be viewing it. Quietly dump a bag of ashes on the ground next to you and start screaming. When people ask you what’s wrong, tell them your friend was just watching the eclipse, but the glasses must’ve been faulty and oh my god OH MY GOD! Grab one of the abandoned pairs of glasses as everyone flees.
• Find someone with a pair of glasses who you were planning to kill anyway, and just bump that to the top of your to-do list.
• Visit a friend who has a pair of glasses unannounced and explain — while holding intense, deep eye contact — that while they were busy planning for the eclipse, so much life was happening right here on Earth, all around them, if they just stopped and paid attention and opened their heart to it. When your friend begins silently weeping, whisper “You don’t need these anymore,” and gently take the glasses from them.
• Forget about viewing the solar eclipse in real time and just plan to scroll through dozens of blurry photos of it on Instagram afterwards.
• Invite your friends over so you can all watch the solar eclipse together. Before it begins, tell them you have a big surprise for them in your basement. Once they’re all in there, lock the door behind them. This won’t help you see the solar eclipse, but it will at least give you some solace knowing you’re not the only one missing it.
• Go to the mall and buy the most expensive pair of sunglasses you can find. They won’t be able to properly shield your eyes from the sun, but you’ll look and feel great.
• Stop letting the threat of permanent eye damage make all of your decisions for you and just look at the eclipse with your own two God-given eyes.
• If you have the resources, construct a well-stocked bunker at least 75 feet beneath the surface of the Earth. I can’t tell you why, but my brother works at NASA and just… you should seriously consider doing this. If you can.
• Snatch someone’s solar eclipse glasses off their face while they’re distracted looking at the solar eclipse like a dumbass.