More Ideas for Dialogue in “Fifty Shades Darker”

With “Fifty Shades Darker” — the sequel to last year’s “Fifty Shades of Grey” set to open in just a few months, I have compiled some more dialogue I would like to see included in the film (the first round can be found here.) If anyone has connections in Hollywood and would be able to get this in front of the people making the film, please let me know:

Ana: That… that was incredible, Mr. Grey.

Christian: I’ve something fascinating to share with you, but you cannot tell anyone.

Ana: Yes?

Christian: For the last 3 weeks, I’ve switched my dishwasher detergent with my laundry detergent.

Ana: What?

Christian: It began as an honest mistake but I discovered, amazingly, that laundry detergent works better on dishes and dishwasher detergent works better on clothes.

Ana: But that doesn’t make sense.

Christian: It doesn’t make sense because society doesn’t want you to believe it makes sense. You need to stop listening to the media and start listening to your heart. It’s the same thing with our relationship. Jesus fucking Christ.

— — — —

Ana: Can I ask you something? It’s… personal.

Christian. Of course, Ana. Anything.

Ana: In your restroom, your box of tissues is cube-shaped. But in your bedroom, your box of tissues is long and narrow.

Christian: I’m afraid I don’t see your point.

Ana: I guess what I’m saying is, why aren’t they the same — both cube shaped or both long and narrow? I’ve never seen anybody have a mix before.

Christian: You must never ask me this again, Ana.

— — — —

Christian: Before we make love, I want to do an experiment.

Ana: What is it?

Christian: At the exact same time, let’s both say the first word that comes to mind. Simultaneously. Are you ready? 3… 2… 1…

Ana: Soda

Christian: Pinecone

Christian: If you had said “pinecone” I would’ve absolutely lost it. Seriously. Could you even imagine?

— — —

Christian: On my 18th birthday my father gave me a compass that had been in our family for generations. His father had given it to him, and his father to him, and so on. I had wanted this compass for as long as I could remember. As a child I was obsessed with it and I practically counted down the days until I turned 18 and it would be mine. But when my father gave me the compass I noticed something strange — it was covered in tiny rhinestones. My father had super-glued cheap plastic rhinestones to this antique compass. It looked gaudy and repulsive, like something you would find in a maniac’s pocket. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My father actually looked proud of it — it was the most hideous scene you could imagine. I asked him how on earth he could have done such a thing. He looked at me like I was the crazy one. “But doesn’t it look so much prettier?” he asked. “It looks like something a clown would throw up,” I told him. To me, it was all part of a larger pattern of poor judgement and terrible decision-making that had led my father to lose most of my family’s savings and consequently driven my mother away. I told him very clearly “I’m going to take this compass and throw it in the river immediately.” He said, “You wouldn’t dare.” I said, “Watch me.” And I did, Ana. I went to the river and threw that godless thing so far into the river, I was certain it would forever escape the gaze of my ancestors who surely would have been ashamed of it. I’m ready to have sex now.